So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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