I'm so fucking centered right now
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
