I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
