the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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