I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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