I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
