He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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