omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
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