I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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