I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
