i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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