I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
She needs sedatives and a leash
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
