Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I am one with the molecules
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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