I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
