watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
