She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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