before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
