So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
