bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
