so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
