Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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