so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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