6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
