allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
