I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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