I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
