Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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