she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
