is your mom at the bar?
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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