If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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