I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
