Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
