he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize