i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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