Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
