Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
