The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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