I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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