I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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