Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
