My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
