you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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