one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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