Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Can I color on your dick again?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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