I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I pour the whiskey from now on
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
