no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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