WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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