Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
