Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
