peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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