I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
