Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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