I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
