thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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