the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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