you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
