smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
no you cant smoke seaweed
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
