john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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